PAY ATTENTION – THERE MAY BE A QUIZ

This picture of the sun was taken Tuesday by the Ulysses spacecraft. That blotch at 1 o’clock is a full-fledged sunspot! It’s the first since July and marks the end of the longest spotless period since – well, since we began keeping track of these things. The longest period by far. This isn’t a good time for energy/heating bills to get higher because it’s going to get real cold in this part of the galaxy real soon. Martinize those fur coats now! (For details see earlier posts and click here.)

Everyone must be getting very tired of me being right so often lately. (Believe me; it’s not easy for me either.) But anyone who has listened to my admittedly boring ramblings lately know that I correctly predicted the sunspot crisis, the economic collapse, the Mets’ collapse, the Yankee disappointment, the Jets’ Farve mistake, the correct treatment(s) of my various diseases, the nation’s political future (so far) and, perhaps most importantly, the cause of most of the world’s trouble. More about that in a few seconds.

But first, for those of you who don’t believe the current lucky roll I’m on, you should ask my broker, who, 24 hours before the economy and the market tanked, argued with me and insisted that this was the exact wrong time to buy gold. For once, I refused to listen and insisted. He completed the transaction just in time to see the price of gold to see the biggest single day increase in history. Like Bernie said to me during the 1993 Post carnival, “Marc, sometimes when you’re on a roll, you just have to go with it.” My mom, of course, urged caution.

Now for the quiz – stop whining, I did warn you there might be one. It’s just one multiple choice question. Text your answer to 917-353-3111.

Q: The one man most responsible for almost all the trouble in the world in 2008 is:

A) Osama bin Laden
B) George W. Bush, Jr., II, the younger
C) Allen Greenspan
D) Vince Lombardi
E) None of the above

Write in answers are invited, although they’ll be wrong. The correct answer will be revealed here next time I get around to posting something. Have fun – and remember, spelling never counts.

SUNSPOT UPDATE AND SOMETHING FUNNY

This year, Sept. 11 was especially historic -- at least for me. Not only did it mark the fifth anniversary of my CLL diagnoses, it was also the first time in 57 days that a sunspot, albeit a small sunspot, was spotted on the Sun. (To see the official report click here. Note the sunspot, named noGE14 (new region 1001), had activity rated very low. it was gone the next day. It's hard to get adequate figures, but 57 days is apparently the longest the sun has gone without spots for 400 years.

So the short-range (100 years) climate forecast for the planet remains the same -- much colder than normal with cloudy to mostly cloudy conditions.

Okay, here's something funny. It's from The Onion and it was posted a few days ago before the anniversary of 9/11. I don't know how the writers at The Onion can consistently get laugh-at-loud reactions to so many of their pieces. (If you want to see the original, with more hilarious doctored photographs and great links click here.)

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping for his favorite holiday, 9/11.

"I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn't believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!" a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

While Cheney is known by many to be cold and taciturn for the other 11 months of the year, those close to the vice president say there is something about the 9/11 season that puts a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Each Sept. 11 morning since 2001, Cheney has come to work donning a fireman costume and handed out small, thoughtful gifts to all White House staffers. In addition, at his home on 9/11 Eve, Cheney lays out large piles of presents for his children and grandchildren underneath the colorfully lit, six-foot-tall 9/11 towers that he sets up by the fireplace.

"I think I've outdone myself this year—I bought the president a box of cigars and a brand-new fountain pen, I got Condoleezza [Rice] a beautiful blue blazer, and for my wife [Lynne] I bought a diamond necklace, a new winter coat, and this neat little motorized airplane ornament to hang on the 9/11 towers," Cheney told reporters while perusing the windows of New York's famed Park Avenue shops. "And for [grandson] Samuel I bought about a million toys and games and 9/11 nutcrackers. I probably went a little bit overboard, but it's his first 9/11, and I want it to be as special as my first 9/11."

The vice president then reiterated how fortunate he was to have received his big 9/11 bonus early this year.

Although Cheney himself has never received any Sept. 11 gifts, with the exception of a pair of silk pajamas from his wife and a second term in office, he insisted that he gets more joy from giving than receiving. According to Cheney, Sept. 11 is a time to reflect and give thanks for all the benefits and blessings 9/11 has given him in the past.

Cheney, however, lamented the fact that he has seen a recent decline in the nation's 9/11 spirit.

"I don't know what's happened," Cheney said. "Less than seven years ago, 9/11 seemed like a huge event for every American. Back then, on Sept. 11 morning, everyone would dart downstairs at 8:46 a.m. sharp, shouting and screaming, and the ground outside would be blanketed in the most beautiful gray as far as the eye could see. I especially loved the streets of New York during this season—the lights, the sounds, people rushing every which way, the sidewalks so crowded you could barely move, the wide-eyed looks on the people's faces. The whole New York skyline was lit up like a Christmas tree."

Cheney then sighed happily, adding, "I wish every day were 9/11."

While he's disappointed that so many seem to have forgotten the lessons of his beloved holiday, the vice president said he simply could not stay sad with 9/11 just around the corner. Lynne Cheney told reporters she expects her husband will once again go overboard in his celebrations this year, buying a larger 9/11 front-yard display and making himself sick eating too many broken Pentagon cookies.

"He really gets into it," she said as her husband cheerfully decorated the Blue Room of the White House with pieces of smoldering cinder and charred flesh to recreate the setting of Ground Zero. "I try to tell him that it's just a silly holiday, that he's making a fool out of himself when he goes around shouting 'Happy Sept. 11!' to people while ringing a large bell, but he never listens. He just loves 9/11."

But amid all the decorating and gift-giving, Vice President Cheney is careful not to let all the 9/11 festivities distract him from the deeper significance the day holds.

"Sometimes, in all the hustle and bustle of the season, it's easy to forget the true meaning of Sept. 11," Cheney said. "Sept. 11 is not about fancy 9/11 parades, or big 9/11 office parties. In fact, it's not even just about two buildings crumbling to the ground and leaving thousands of innocent people dead."

"No," Cheney continued. "No, 9/11 is about the warm feeling you get when you help an elderly woman cross the street and then whisper to her that the terrorists can strike at any moment. 9/11 is about the satisfaction of telling people to do things and then them doing it—not because they want to, but because they are afraid to do otherwise. 9/11 is about removing Saddam Hussein from power. But most of all, 9/11 is about love."

Cheney said he plans to spend a quiet Sept. 11 at home this year, during which he will exchange gifts with loved ones and watch his taped VHS footage of the old 9/11 TV specials while he smiles and laughs.

"I have a feeling this is going to be the best Sept. 11 ever," Cheney said with a grin. "I just dread the day I have to tell my kids that 9/11 isn't real."

IMPORTANT WEATHER ALERT!

I’ve got some news that might just explain the sudden explosion of hurricanes in the Atlantic.

Here’s the good news – it has nothing to do with “global warming.” As a matter of fact, it goes a long way towards disproving the whole bogus global warming industry.

Here’s the bad news – it’s gonna get real cold around here. Stock up on fur coats. And fuel. And food.

It can all be traced to sunspots. Or actually, the lack of sunspots. I’m not kidding Elizabeth. Read on. I believe I’m right about this. I’ll start to reexamine the evidence if anyone can provide me with a peer-reviewed scientific paper proving that carbon dioxide is a gas that substantially leads to global warming. I don’t think you can find one. IT’S NOT THERE!

Here’s the real cause of our planet's troubles:


It’s our sun. A less-than-average star off a obscure arm of the Milky Way galaxy, which is a collection of perhaps a billion stars arranged about a galactic center -- which contains at least one actively feeding Black Hole – which has a pair of spiral arms that protrude from the either end of the galactic nucleus. Astronomers on another galaxy would not notice anything unusual about the Milky Way except maybe that it’s now colliding with two smaller galaxies. But apparently that’s not an unusual occurrence in this part of the universe.

Sorry, back to our sun. As many of you already know, because they have received an endless stream of my very annoying e-mails, there have been no sunspots on the sun since July 22. (That’s not a sunspot in the lower left-hand quadrant of the sun in the accompanying picture, that’s actually the Earth-orbiting International Space Station as it passed across the sun. But it looks very similar to what a sunspot looks like.) Actually, the month of August marked the first time in 100 years that a full month went sunspot-free. The last time was June 1913 (sunspot data has been collected since 1749). [Full disclosure: Ever the solar spoilsports, government astronomers have just declared that a small magnetic solar storm last month counts as half a sunspot. But it doesn’t really matter.]

The sunspot count goes down every 11 years like clockwork during the end of a solar cycle. But it usually last a few days. By my count, it’s now been 45 days without a real storm on the surface of the sun. According to experts, the last time the sun was so quiet was 400 years ago, during something called a “Maunder Minimum” which, they say, triggered what we now call the “Little Ice Age” where global temperatures dropped sharply, glaciers grew 100 meters a year and New York Harbor froze solid and people walked from Manhattan to Staten Island. In the past 1000 years, such solar events happened three times, each time leading to a rapid cooling of the earth.

The problem isn’t the amount of heat from the sun – it has to do with the magnetic fields generated by the sun. Fewer sunspots, which are really magnetic storms, means more magnetic energy reaches and our planet. And that means the atmosphere generates more clouds. The clouds block the sun’s energy – and heat – that almost every living thing on the planet depends upon for its survival. Anyway, you get the picture. I’m not going to worry about it too much. (But I’m 60.)

This theory isn’t new. But been around for awhile, but it’s always been dismissed by the global warming industry as pure theory. But now that there’s evidence, the critics are silent.

I believe the evidence will eventually show that the first evidence of the consequences of this solar activity, or lack of it, is the sudden increase in hurricanes and tropical storm activity in the Atlantic.

Incidentally, according to the little ice age theory, it won’t get really cold for another 30 years – and it will begin to warm up again after another 60 years. So it’s only a short problem. But I guess it does give us extra time to work on that carbon dioxide problem.

You shouldn’t believe me. Look at the evidence! That’s all I’ve ever asked. The links below will lead you to a few sites I think will get you pointed in a certain direction. Read them. At least look at them and then make up your own mind. I’d be interested to hear what you think. If you post your thoughts here, maybe we can get a dialogue going.

p.s.: To those of you who are expecting something really important like an update on my weight, well tough shit! You’ll just have to weight … err, wait. Keep watching. And Jody, stock up on some fur coats.

Link #1

Link #2