YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!

THURSDAY (still 8 hours to go) -- It was all going so well.

I had checked in without effort or delay, I’d been interviewed by interns, residents, nurses and physician assistants all without incident. I had my plastic bracelet installed on my wrist identifying my body. I had paid my $300 co-payment. The doctor had visited and said all was go. The operating room nurse had visited and said all was go. I had changed into the hospital’s dehumanizing open-front robe. And I was still psyched! Let’s get it on!

Then the monkey wrench made its entrance in the guise of the operating room anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist said he would not let me go ahead with the operation because my cardiac clearance form wasn’t good enough for him. He said he wanted more tests. An echo-cardiogram and a stress test. I was floored. So were Marcia and Joan. So was Dr. F, the surgeon.

After about 10 minutes of shouting, disappointment and accusations, Dr. F intervened, called Dr. U, the cardiologist, and negotiated a deal. I was to go uptown to Dr. U’s office, have an echo-cardiogram, and if I passed, would come back Friday morning at 6 am and be first on Dr. F’s list of lap band procedures. The doctor even promised me I’d be discharged from the hospital that same night if I was okay.

Of course, I passed the test, e-mailed the results to the hospital and was placed at the head of the line.

The sad part is that I’m getting used to all this. I’m saving it all up for my next rant – about how I’ve discovered that the real villains of the U.S. medical system are in the front office. They hold jobs like the doctors’ secretaries, receptionists, insurance negotiators and telephone operators. I know I said the opposite was true earlier in this blog, but I’ve changed my mind. That’s right, I’ve changed my mind. Fuck you! Sue me!

p.s.: Let me know your front office horror stories.

Meanwhile, we’ll all do it all over again in a few hours. Wish me luck – again.